I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
