There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
