Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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