if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
