where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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