Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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