saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
