I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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