I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
