im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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