Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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