wat bout pragnant strippers??
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
