Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
