I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
