I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
