I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
