All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
