3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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