I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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