we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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