if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
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it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
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You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper