im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence