There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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