my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?