Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
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I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?