You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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