We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
