i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
