You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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