My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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