just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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