If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize