i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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