man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
