Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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