I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
