I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
