Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
