Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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