This is not my ceiling
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
