his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
