i may or may not be watching the land before time
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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