The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
