Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
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I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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