what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
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It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
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I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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