he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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