I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
