are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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