you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
