Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
