I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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