a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
