I accidentally had phone sex last night
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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