3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
