I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
