tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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