i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
