i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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