I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize