Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
