you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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